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Thursday 23 June 2011

Imperial Governor's Historic Address to the Nation- That Speech in Full, Part Three



Students of history will observe that over the millenia not much changes in the world of politics and the similarities between the modern era and the politics of Ancient Rome are quite startling. Indeed, even less has changed than you might think. This article was originally written shortly after the coming to power in Britain of the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition. I have tweaked it a bit and broken it up into installments. Here is Part Three. 

CAMERONIUS CONSERVITUS ADDRESSES THE NATION 
Part Three

Plans are afoot to consolidate these gains and to carry them to fruition. I will be relying heavily, as I have been instructed, upon some of the nation’s most influential agencies.

Among these are the aforementioned Pharmacopeia and its network of apothecaries and dispensaries (Britannia branch) under the aegis of general manager Oblivius Senslus, the renowned inventor of child doping. Mr. Senslus announced recently plans to triple the profits of the Temple of Pharmacopeia and extend its membership to include everybody in the province from birth. As you know the Pharmacopeia’s role in furthering the imperial idyll of a land basking in the golden silence and inactivity of the graveyard has been heroic.

The Pharmacopeia’s sister organization, the Hoaxacopeia, a branch of the Temple Psychobabbylon of the goddess Dementia, is also making similar, coordinated strides forward. Her high priest, Devius Lunatix, recently announced publication of a mighty tome which is designed to assist the Pharmacopeia in carrying forward its mission of “Euphorium et Oblivium,” while raking in the sesterce. 


The Tome is entitled the DSM, the Diagnostix et Statistix Mendacicon, and lists over three million “agues of the psyche” which can only be cured by giving the sufferer large amounts of the pills and potions churned out by the Pharmacopeia, the so-called Serius Sideffex I mentioned earlier. For this service the Pharmacopeia has promised the Hoaxacopeia a “juicy slice of the profits.” 

I’ve had a preview of this new holy book and it is something of an eye-opener I can tell you. It is written in terms so simple almost anyone can understand it, provided they have had twelve years of training at the Hoaxucopeia’s Academy of Ludicrus Fibs

It is very clear from a quick glance through the holy book that the land is in the grip of a plague that afflicts the brain (known as “Chemicus Imbalens”) and which has already infected almost everybody, for scarcely a person in the land (apart from the priests of the Temple of Dementia apparently) does not have the symptoms of one or more of the “agues” listed in the book. Such agues include:
  • The Vapors,
  • The Fevers,
  • The Humors,
  • Depressium (feeling of being fed up, suffered largely by followers of Televisium)
  • Optimisum
  • Possessium Demonix 
  • Slavery Resistance Disorder
  • Infantium Irritatum (behaving childishly – mostly suffered by children)
  • Amphora
  • Abacus
  • Orgy Disorder (inability to enter into the spirit of things at public events such as orgies, crucifixions and stonings).
  • Sandalium Nervosum (wearing sandals)
  • Discus
Fortunately for all of us the Pharmacopeia just happened to be on hand with the full panoply of its Serius Sideffex. Talk about a stroke of luck!

Even more fortunately, the priests of the Temple of Dementia have been working on more cutting-edge research and have developed a branch of necromancy known as Bunkum, whereby the future mental health of children can be accurately divined by examining the brains of dead monkeys. With this new technology they have been able to accurately predict that all children will need to be sedated by the age of four (Docilis Infantium) and the esteemed Devius Lunatix has informed me that copius funds will have to be forthcoming from the Treasury so as to ensure mandatory treatment is available to them for life (Medicatium ad Delirium).

There are those who allege however that there is neither proof nor science behind any of the agues in the DSM, that Devius Lunatix and his henchmen made them up so as to persuade the masses to go “peacefully and without protest into the malleable state of Oblivium.” 

To denounce this allegation, I can truthfully say that I asked the priests and mages of Dementia about it and they have all promised me, hand on heart, their publication is most definitely based on truth and science and that they will let me have their research notes just as soon as they de-kludge the office and find them.

Well, that’s good enough for me. I am but a layman in matters of the psyche after all and must trust the wise heads the emperor has ordered me to trust. Funds will therefore be made available for the mental hygiene of the province.

The program is already underway and producing miraculous improvements in the mental health of the Britons, according to the provincial agency Disingenuus Statistix and as attested by a dramatic increase in the number of people taking their medication and a decline in the consumption of cheaper but less addictive, illegal drugs.


click here for part four



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