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Sunday, 10 July 2011

Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac – Part Two

Cartoon by the cartoonist Bob Stokes
Employment news

The post-Stalin Soviet Union let everybody down by embarrassingly collapsing suddenly in the face of a puff of wind just after billions had been spent promoting it as a threat sufficient to place the entire planet on a permanent war footing.

Thus ended something of a Golden Era for MIC and its partner the World Debt Emporium, which had succeeded in persuading governments to run up vast debts so as to buy weaponry capable of wiping out the entire planet three times over, even when once would have been quite sufficient.

Since then, MIC has cast about for a new Ruthless Dictator to provide the key fear factor. Success in this regard has been mediocre at best and the new target of being able to wipe out the Earth five times over has consequently been placed in jeopardy, thanks to a succession of extremely disappointing performances from subsequent appointees.

Saddam Hussein, for instance, while he was quite good at murdering his own citizens, completely failed to amass armies on Europe’s borders. He neglected too to build missiles capable of reaching further than Iran despite all the funding and technical help given him by his employers. This in turn caused embarrassment for certain Western politicians who told everybody he had.

Hussein then went completely mad and invaded Kuwait without permission. This was something no-one could have foreseen a sadistic megalomaniac would do. Indeed, he had been dutifully slaughtering his own citizens and waging war on Iran in the normal way right up to the point where his behaviour became unacceptable. Consequently he had to be forcibly removed from his post. As any trainer of pit bulls will tell you, if it shows an inclination to slip its leash and turn on you, you have no choice but to put it down.

Osama Bin Laden proved very adept at killing and, with the help of media PR campaigns, terrifying people the world over on very scant resources but again he failed to convince people he had the capability of launching an invasion. While he managed to boost sales in ancillary industries such as surveillance equipment and enabled certain governments to curtail the rights of their citizens, he never provided a target that anyone could point lots of expensive missiles at. In the end, someone made the mistake of claiming that he had been killed and that finished him as a threat.

With Kadfahi in Libya also struggling to terrify the western world, MIC is now seeking someone who will do the job properly.

Various candidates are already being considered but the way is clear for any cheap politician who feels he can bring some creativity to the role to apply.

Candidates should have the following qualities

  • must look swarthy
  • must have own beard or moustache and/or look wooden
  • must not speak English
  • must be a dedicated psychopath – willingness to murder own citizens and thus render them “in need of protection” is essential.
  • must be a supporter of psychiatry – a psychiatrist himself or under treatment from a psychiatrist. Experienced psychiatric experts will be provided to advise him on the drugging of his citizens or the use of Electro Convulsive Torture (ECT), brain washing and mind control
  • must be dim
  • must be dictatorial
  • must be ruthless
  • must have some previous experience of politics, with proven skills in the arts of back-stabbing, killing political opponents (or friends) and vote rigging an advantage.

Candidates do not have to be presently in power in their country as all necessary help will be provided to get them into power quickly once they are chosen for the Ruthless Dictator role

Possession of own weapons of mass destruction is also an advantage but not essential. High-interest loans to purchase these from MIC’s out-of-date stockpiles will be provided and can be repaid by taxes extracted from the successful candidate’s own citizens.

Equally an advantage but not essential, the candidate will have familial or commercial ties with western business interests or banking or be an asset of western intelligence services.

The job offers considerable perks for the right person, including a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account held in escrow until he has successfully completed his tenure.

Tenure is usually for ten years after which his employers will assist his smooth transition into retirement by faking his death, referring him to a plastic surgeon and relocating him to a luxury villa in South America.

All applicants should apply in writing to The Safe House, Dead Letter Box 9, [address deleted for security reasons]

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